I really struggle with inconsistency. There are days when I am brilliant. Interesting. But most days I am mediocre. Dull. Stupid. The bad days scare me. They seem more real. I sit in my cubicle by myself and try to use self-talk to remember how to be interesting. It doesn't work. I want to be happy. My family needs me to be happy. But I hate myself so much that nothing moves. I have so many reasons to condemn myself. It's easy. Almost pleasant. Downhill the whole way. The world seems so black and empty in those moments.
I know the answer. It is so simple. Confidence. When I believe that I am special, I am. Confidence is such a mystery to me. The world is full of men that are confident. But they rape and kill and hate. They do harm and feel put out when everyone fails to bow to them. I am a man that cares. For women. For children. For hurting people. Even in my black moments I know this. If only I could use their trick. Tap into confidence and move through the world without doubt and fear. I would be a force for good. But somehow, in a way that seems stupid even to me, I don't trust it. Confidence, deep down, feels like the path to being one of them. It feels like if even if I could stop constantly questioning myself and judging myself I would become an asshole. Another arrogant man that takes and hurts and then leaves. I'd rather suffer.
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5 comments:
nooooooooooooo! you will never be like them. you will change the world.
You are brilliant... you are my black diamond...
Almost everyday I know it, I saw it... even when you were the stoney shy sophomore at college. And it just keeps coming out more and more as you age.
I am glad that your brokenness, compassion and depth make you a man who is safe and who is a healer for women and children. Your suffering has worked great beauty into your heart. We need this in this world. I am so honored to be your wife.
I have never met another man with the depth of compassion and heart and sensitivity you hold. You are my treasure.
Saul was the peoples choice. Self confident, driven, quick to ascend the throne.
David was God's choice. Overlooked by his family. Forgotten in the role call. But God delighted in him. He was broken, tender AND strong. And God, like all true craftsmen, took his time preparing him for the throne. David's suffering refined him for his rule.
Daniel, you are a David! God is taking his time with you, and he loves you too much to take a short cut. It still hurts a lot now, and part of me wishes I could take that from you.
But trust in the good work he is doing in you, by looking at what he has already done. You are a treasure my friend.
I hear you wanting the confidence like those other men-but you are not like them. They aren't more valuable or necessary than you. Especially when looking at the way you decribe them. Why would you want to resemble anyone who rapes and abuses and leaves? You are exactly who you are supposed to be. Xo
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