Monday, January 4, 2010
eyes staring at my legs
I was pigeon toed when I was a little boy. Four years old. My mother got leg braces for me to wear at night. To straighten me out. When I cried my father would take them off. He hated crying. Then my parents would fight. Screaming. Breaking. I hid under my bed. I wanted them to stop. I would have gladly died if it would have made them love each other. I can remember as a little boy watching movies, TV, sit-coms and only caring about the couples that were in conflict. I wanted them to love each other. To this day when ashamed I feel angry eyes staring at my legs. And in my dreams I am always trying to hide. Behind trees in the rain. Behind furniture. Even behind the Queen of Hearts' white rose bushes while they are being painted. But I'm never invisible. My legs always stick out no matter what I do and they find me.
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4 comments:
Hey there. *smiles* I didn't realise you were still posting here.
I read this post and, like all your others, the sadness washed over me with such beauty and a feeling of 'cleansing'. Does it feel that way for you when you write?
Your posts here inspire me. I wish I too had the courage to write about some of my memories in the same way. Instead of keeping them pushed away somewhere in the back of my mind, in the hopes that time will disintegrate them. Perhaps I'll get there. Every time I read something you've written, the poetry of it touches me and reminds me that sadness can be so much more than just an 'unwanted emotion.'
with kind wishes,
TW.
One of the sad things about the world is that we are all separate. There are people out there who care. Who love. Maybe everyone. Maybe just some of us. I don't know. TW. I am encouraged by your kind heart. Thank you for listening. Where are you? Can I help you? What do you need?
Dear Overcomer,
I didn't realise it had been so long since I last came in here to check on you. I'm so glad to see you're still keeping this blog.
How can you help me? What a kind question. I don't think anyone's asked me that - how they could help me and what do I need. I think I might have to go away and ponder that! But thank you. I will come back some time with an answer for you. It feels like a revelation just to be asked. I'm smiling and feeling a little bemused.
I hope things are going well for you, my friend. Or at least, as well as can be with the burdens that you carry.
TW
As your wife who shares your bed I know your years of nightmares are your psyche still trying to release all this trauma. I am so sad you didn't have a happy childhood. You deserved to be celebrated and treasured and to feel safe. We will do all we can about that now.
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