Saturday, November 21, 2009
i have everything
I have everything. A good job. A beautiful place in the country to live. Some good friends. Eight wonderful kids and a wife that loves me and that I love. But I struggle to enjoy it. Don't know how to be happy. I learned so young and so vividly that the world is bleak. That no one wants me. That I am the problem - that it remains so regardless of my circumstances. At some point each day I feel full of death. That I can't possibly live one more day in this empty place. Why can't I get better? Lately I've been wanting to hurt myself. It seems just. That something terrible should happen to me. Then at least one thing in this empty senseless place would make sense. At the same time I love my family more than ever. I feel for them. I want to be here for them. I want to fight for them. Want them to never feel unwanted. But I know something has to change. I can't love them and hate me. It doesn't work that way.
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2 comments:
count me as one of those people that cares for you very deeply daniel. i don't need to read any more to know that but i will because your story touches me and i know some things there too. i wish i would have talked to you when i was really depressed and you called me on the phone but i was scared. i thought you were angry at me.
It is coming...
You are fighting and overcoming and learning to ENJOY.
You are the best!
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