Monday, November 24, 2008
trap door
We live standing on a trap door. Some people spend their whole lives just standing on it, never knowing it is a trap door. It may as well be granite. For some the door swings open and they fall to their deaths. Swallowed whole. Some of us catch the edge on the way down and hang there by our fingertips. We can see the raging river beneath our feet. Hear its roar. It is possible to hang there for years. We look like everyone else, but inside we are inches from being consumed. Fingers white and trembling. Trying to hold on a little longer. Sometimes we can even climb back up and get the door closed. But once you know you're standing on a trap door nothing is ever the same. If you can't trust the ground you can't ever rest.
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7 comments:
Falling through the trap door means death... but becoming aware of the trap door means becoming aware of reality. What are we falling from and what are we falling to?
I agree that being aware of the trap door is reality. What we are falling from is normal life among the people who can function. What we are falling to is giving up. Lying down and watching the rest of them go by.
Do you think contentment or happiness is another door?
Perhaps we are aware of this trap door that leads to death, but not aware of another door that leads to happiness, which is just as much a part of reality. And just as we see this trap door and others don't, we do not see the door to happiness when others do.
We decided the trap door is reality. But it is also illusion. Sometimes I lift my head and I am strong, alive. I kick the trap door and it is granite. I can't remember why I ever worried about it. Then my strength slips away and I can't remember how to trust the door again. It hangs open waiting for me to fall. Somehow the trap is real, but what is broken is in us.
I thought the trap door was an aspect of reality, not all of reality. Yes, the trap is real. Falling through it is giving up on life and thus, death. The trap door always exists because the possibility of giving up is always there.
The granite is an illusion. You wish to deny what's really behind the trap door when you are happy, so you only see granite.
If you really want to stop fearing that door, I think you need to accept it's reality. The river is always rushing behind it... but it is rushing for everyone. And if you can respect it's existence, you can be aware of where you stand with it. Isn't it better to have your eyes open than closed?
"I think you need to..." is a phrase that elicits anger in me.
I think if you've never recognized the door, you're not going to get what it is. I remember when I was somewhere in my early teens I started slipping through the trap door. I would imagine myself lying in bed with someone who loved me and the mattress would start falling and falling...I couldn't control the picture in my head.
I started hearing voices, too. They would be laughing at me. I couldn't make them stop. I fear now that I was slipping into insanity.
Then God found me and put a net over the opening. I slipped through the door, but never fell far.
He saved me.
MAE
This is a really good picture of deep pain. Excellently said. Heartbreaking.
Wanting you to find firm ground.
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