In my favorite Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin is standing at the top of a snowy hill with his sled. The hill is obviously too dangerous for sledding, but Calvin thinks "go ahead, you'll make it." and "It's probably not as bad as it looks." He turns to us and says out loud "I think my brain is trying to kill me."
My brain is like that. I've begun to realize that my body is trying to kill me too. Consuming itself. It won't sleep. Muscles old rusty barbed wire from year after year stiffening to receive the next blow. You never know where it will come from or when. I've spent my whole life trying to be ready for the next attack. To brace myself. Then each one catches me unaware. Someone leaves. Someone dies.
Then I realize that the person who left wasn't who I thought they were anyway. Did I even know them? I find out they lied. I find out I lied to myself. How does one grieve the loss of a person that was part real and part made up? Which part was real? Which part did I love?
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2 comments:
I so relate to this! When I find out immoral things about people I respect, it's hard to work around the fact that lying at it's core is the hardest thing in my life. I was surrounded by liars- a den of thieves my whole childhood, and only recently escaped. I find myself oddly trusting- but ever vigilant, I pick up on the smallest indescrepancies, and that's probably why I love you and your family so much- the authenticity and desire to be real is so hopeful to me. I feel so safe among you- like a true sister. The one you never had but wished you had- that one. You know my brother and I always compare notes of our brutal childhood, just to know it happened, and I feel like this blog gives me a chance to see your notes, and say, yes brother, it was hell, and as much as it felt like it was YOUR fault at the core, that's a pit of lies, because you my brother are lovely and ever lovable. Your response to the pain in your life proves it- yes - I can almost hear your rebuttal, both my brother and I had rebuttals too, but over time, hearing truth and being loved in the reality of the pain, somehow turns those rebuttals into dust and the beautiful truth of your goodness gets proper attention.
Great response Sarah!!!
Privategrief... I hope that the destructive thoughts in that brain can tone down. So hard...
Praying for good things.
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