the bomb

In the late 90s I helped start a conservative, non-denominational, bible church. It was the pastor that drew people. Drew me. He was disciplined, knowledgeable, dynamic. Someone who was actually winning. The church was hard work, always struggling to get people to be more committed, to have higher standards. And all the while there was a ticking bomb right in the middle of us that we never heard. Sometimes the ticking was pretty damn loud. We didn't want to hear it. After eight years, the bomb finally went off. Super pastor was caught in a five year secret affair. Didn't come clean - caught. On video. By his own son.

Over the next few months as I and the other three leaders were trying to pick up the pieces, I began to realize just how far off track we were. This disciplined, put-together, super pastor had trained us to be just like him. We were pouring our efforts into following rules, looking good on the outside, saying the right words, building up our club. Thinking we were doing something good. Really we were providing super pastor with puppydog devotion while he lied and sneaked. His fools.

After the bomb went off, I quickly got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. Told the other leaders that I would finish out my turn and then they would have to replace me. When I got the the end I fell on my face and couldn't get up for a long time. Three years. I was grieving the loss of an illusion. Realizing that for years we had been on the wrong path. Making an institution instead of a family. At the same time, the other leaders were realizing that their little church was great and had finally purged out their problems; sinning pastors and undedicated leaders. Not one of them will speak to me now.